Today I want to talk about how we coped after Catherine’s operation. It was scary time, we wanted this thing out! This cancer removed and over and done with.
I remember well my Anger: Anger at the situation, anger at the illness, anger at the healthcare system, anger at myself for not being able to make things better.
We knew the operation was for the best but that didn’t reduce the fear and anger we felt.
In August 2015, Catherine had her first operation, a "wide local excision aiming to remove the cancerous tissue while sparing as much breast tissue as possible." This was the first of three surgeries needed to remove the diseased breast tissue. I recall the intense dread and fear I felt as I dropped her at the hospital and watched her disappear, alone, into the surgical ward. As the hours ticked by, I anxiously waited for the hospital's call to hear when to pick her up post-surgery. It was jarring to watch someone I love undergo a surgery under a general anesthetic.
Afterwards, and some time anxiously waiting, the margins of the removed breast tissue came back positive and requiring Catherine to undergo further surgeries, and that eventually ended in a mastectomy.
After the last operation, Catherine experienced significant physical and emotional pain. The body altering surgery was especially difficult for her as she had always taken great care of her appearance and was a regular gym goer. The changes brought on by the surgery had a profound effect on her psychologically.
Luckily, we are blessed to have a close knit family and good friends who rallied together, ensuring we provided all the help and support necessary. Everyone contributed, from taking care of our other responsibilities and duties while also caring for her. It was no small feat to care for one another and our young children through all of this.
What is a Mastectomy and what should you expect.
For those who don't know or are unsure. A mastectomy is a surgical procedure that involves removing one or both of the breasts. If your partner is having a mastectomy, there are several things you can expect before, during and after the surgery. Below are some practical ways to support your partner through this challenging time:
Before the surgery:
To begin with, there will be a series of tests conducted by medical professionals to assess your partner's overall health and to determine their suitability for surgery. These tests may include blood tests, X-rays, and other examinations that provide critical information about their current health status. Although it might feel overwhelming, these tests are necessary to ensure that your partner is in the best possible condition for the upcoming surgical procedure.
In addition to the tests, there will also be a pre-operative consultation where the surgeon and nursing team will address any concerns or questions you and your partner may have. This consultation serves as an opportunity for you to gain a clearer understanding of what to expect on the day of the surgery and the recovery process that follows. The medical professionals will explain the specific details of the surgery, discuss the potential risks and benefits, and provide you with the assurance and support you need during this challenging time.
Furthermore, your partner may be advised to stop eating and drinking the night before the surgery. While this instruction may initially seem difficult, it is crucial for the operation's success. By refraining from food and drink, your partner's stomach will be empty during the surgery. This reduces the risk of complications such as aspiration, where contents from the stomach enter the lungs. Although it may be challenging, following this guideline will ultimately contribute to a safer surgical experience.
Throughout all of these pre-operative steps, it is vital for you both to maintain a positive and encouraging mindset. Remember, medical professionals are highly trained and experienced individuals who have your partner's best interests at heart. They have undergone years of training and practice to ensure the best possible outcome for your loved one. By following their instructions and trusting in their expertise, you can help create an environment that fosters a successful surgical experience for your partner.
In conclusion, the journey before the surgery involves numerous tests and procedures that pave the way for a safe and efficient surgery. These steps are taken to guarantee your partner's well-being and to minimise any potential risks. By actively participating in the pre-operative consultation, adhering to instructions such as fasting, and maintaining a positive mindset, you can play a significant role in supporting your partner through this challenging time. Together, you can look forward to a successful surgery and a healthy recovery.
During the surgery
As a carer of someone undergoing breast cancer surgery, it is important to be well-informed about the surgery itself in order to provide the best possible care and support. One aspect to consider during the surgery is the length of the procedure, which will vary depending on the extent of the mastectomy.
Understanding the duration of the surgery can help prepare you mentally and emotionally. It is essential to remember that your partner will be put under a general anesthetic during the entire procedure. This means that she will be asleep and not feel any pain or discomfort. This knowledge can bring some reassurance, as she will not be aware of the surgical process happening.
While your partner is under general anesthesia, the nursing team and medical professionals will be diligently monitoring her vital signs. This is to ensure that she remains stable throughout the surgery. Their expertise and constant attention will provide added comfort and safety for both you and your partner.
It is crucial for you, as a carer, to be a source of encouragement and support during this time. While your partner is in surgery, the nursing team will do their best to make sure she is comfortable and well-cared for. However, your presence and reassurance can make a significant difference in her overall experience.
Being mindful of her emotions, holding her hand, or simply being there to listen when she wakes up can help ease any anxieties or concerns that may arise. Letting her know that you are by her side and that she is not alone in this journey can provide immeasurable comfort during the recovery process.
Remember that your role as a carer extends beyond the physical aspects of care. Emotional support and understanding are equally essential. Therefore, make sure to find out a little about the surgery, be present for your partner, and communicate openly about any concerns or questions you may have.
As a carer of someone undergoing breast cancer surgery, it is imperative to be knowledgeable about the procedure and provide continuous support. Understanding the length of the surgery, the effects of general anaesthesia, and the monitoring of vital signs can help you be better prepared and more competent in providing care throughout the process. Your encouraging presence and reassurance will undoubtedly contribute to your partner's comfort and well-being.
After the surgery
After undergoing surgery, it is natural for your partner to experience discomfort and pain in the chest area. The invasive nature of the procedure may cause discomfort as the body heals and adjusts to the changes. However, it is important to remember that this discomfort is temporary and necessary for the healing process.
Depending on the extent of the surgery, it is common for drains to be placed in the chest area. These drains are crucial in preventing fluid build-up, which could potentially complicate the healing process. Although the drains may be uncomfortable, they play a significant role in ensuring a smooth recovery. It is essential to follow the surgeon's instructions regarding the drains, such as how to properly care for them and when they can be removed.
Following the surgery, it is recommended that your partner avoids engaging in strenuous activities for several weeks. This includes heavy lifting, intense exercises, and any other activities that may put strain on the chest area. By refraining from such activities, your partner can allow the body the necessary time to heal and recover fully. It may seem frustrating to take a break from regular activities, but this period of rest is crucial for the healing process.
A week or two after the surgery, your partner may have a follow-up appointment with the surgeon. This appointment serves multiple purposes: to check the progress of the wound, ensure that everything is healing properly, and potentially remove any stitches that may have been placed. This appointment provides an opportunity for the surgeon to address any concerns or questions your partner may have and offer further guidance on the recovery process.
With patience and proper care, your partner will be on the road to recovery. It is important to offer them encouragement and support during this time. Remind them that discomfort and pain are temporary and necessary for their overall well-being. Encourage them to follow the surgeon's instructions and take any necessary precautions to ensure a smooth recovery. By staying positive and offering support, you can help your partner navigate the post-surgery period with confidence.
Helpful Tips
Breast cancer, no doubt, is one of the most challenging experiences anyone can go through. As a partner, your role in supporting your loved one during this time is vital. Here are some helpful tips to consider to ensure you provide the necessary support and care they need.
Offer Emotional Support
First and foremost, be available for emotional support. Allow your partner to express their feelings and concerns openly and without judgment. Breast cancer can be an emotionally taxing experience, and your partner may go through a range of emotions, including fear, sadness, anger, and anxiety. By providing a safe space for them to share their feelings, you can help them navigate these emotions and provide comfort during their journey.
Be a House Husband
In addition to emotional support, assisting with household chores and daily activities can also make a significant difference. During recovery, your partner may experience fatigue and reduced mobility. Offering a helping hand with cooking, cleaning, and childcare tasks can alleviate some of the stress and burdens she may be facing. By sharing these responsibilities, you not only help ease their physical strain but also show your dedication and love.
Chaperone
Furthermore, accompany your partner to follow-up appointments. Medical appointments can be overwhelming, and having someone by their side can provide reassurance and moral support. Attend consultations, treatments, and check-ups to stay informed about your partner's progress. This involvement will not only give you a better understanding of the situation but also allow you to actively participate in decision-making and be their advocate when necessary.
Support Groups
Similarly, encourage your partner to attend support groups specifically tailored for breast cancer patients and survivors. These groups provide a unique opportunity for individuals facing similar challenges to connect, share experiences, and offer support to one another. Being part of a community where others understand their journey can foster a sense of belonging, comfort, and emotional healing for your partner. Encourage them to attend these meetings, but respect their decision if they choose otherwise – everyone copes differently.
Lastly, it is crucial to remember that each person's experience with a mastectomy is unique, and recovery times vary. Be patient and understanding throughout the healing process. Your partner may need time and space to adjust physically and emotionally. Avoid pushing them to rush through their recovery, but instead, let them set the pace. Offer support and encouragement, but also respect their boundaries during this challenging time.
Remember, the journey through breast cancer can be a long and arduous one. By providing emotional support, assisting with household tasks, accompanying them to appointments, and encouraging support group participation, you can make a significant impact on your partner's well-being.
Ultimately, your love, patience, and understanding will be the most valuable and comforting assets you can provide.
Finding a Balance
As a caregiver, you may struggle with balancing family responsibilities and your own wellbeing. This is why it's important to share responsibilities and duties with friends and family if possible when caring for your partner.
For you it's not always practical to try and take on everything, including the role of being a caregiver, while maintaining your own wellbeing.
There will also be hospital visits and parking fees to add to your burden. (Many hospitals offer free passes for regular visits, so it's defiantly worth enquiring about this).
It's also vital to have a conversation with your employer about your situation, and see if flexible working arrangements can be considered. It's wise to have a letter template on hand to request for flexible working arrangements that you can use. There are plenty of examples to be found on the web.
Meals
Batch cooking and ready meals are another great way to lessen the load of preparing meals while rushing through the day due to hospital visits or school runs. Choose meals that are easy to prepare and store. Maybe a friend can help prep a meal and leave it on your doorstep at a pre arranged day/time so you just need warm it up. This is a really good idea just after any treatments or operations.
Shopping
Setting up online shopping for regular items can help manage your shopping when you're unable to visit the store. This way, you can avoid making several trips to the store, which may not be feasible as a caregiver.
Help from Others and Job Lists
It may also useful to set up a job list that people who offer help can pick from or you may want to explore family help websites that you can use to set up job list, a bit like a gift list, that people can help with. Maybe asking a friend to do the role of organising all of this can also help lighten the burden. (Take a look at the Care Calendar in the resources section.)
Communication
And last but not least, it's important to communicate well with your partner. Listen to what they have to say, as they may not want a fix or your well-meaning advice, but a sympathetic ear and understanding. She needs to know that you still love her just as much as you always have done.
What the Ladies have told me
I asked some ladies that have been through the operations and here are their responses:
'Helping with housework and looking after kids. Don't compare someone in your family to your wife as my husband compared me to his 60+ year old aunt and here's me looking after a 2 year old recovering from a mx. We are at different stages in life albeit facing similar situations but everyone has different support. Opening up and talking, my husband bottled everything up. It was bad enough when covid procedures were in place going into hospital etc on your own. In the end my mum came to give me the support I needed.'
'My husband was fantastic he put me first before anything and we got through it together ❤️ could not have done it with out him'
'Maybe a tangent, but for the assumption from the healthcare world that I have a partner to help etc is really hard. May not be relevant for this podcast but just a view that not all of us have a partner. Good luck with the episode'
'My husband played an active role in my cancer diagnosis and treatment. He would take a notebook to meetings and jot everything down so I could refer back to. We set up online food ordering, so he could take charge of that for me. I think it's important to be honest with each other, we still take a few moments each day to check in with each other, asking how we are feeling, any concerns or worries etc. I would always encourage him to speak to family and friends as well so he had that connection/support available to him.'
'My husband was fantastic all through my treatment doing all housework and cooking, he took notes and asked questions at any appointment he was allowed to attend, as it was during covid so couldn't come to everything. I couldn't have asked for more help. However since everything has finished and life is supposed to be back to normal, he still helps around the house but as for being husband and wife that's more challenging, I still feel like I have a carer not a husband and he doesn't show any affection or make me feel feminine or sexy any more, I guess it's a big change for both of us and we are still finding our way.'
'My husband is and still is there for me helping me, took me to chemo/radio, kept telling me how good I looked when I had to brave the shave, once a month brought me flowers'
'Dealing with well meaning visitors who don’t leave when I'm knackered and need to sleep.Offering help but realising when I really want to do goings myself'
'He was quietly confident. He held me like my body hadn't changed. He let me make my own decisions. He promised me that if the worst happened, he would be there for our grown up children and their children. He was, and is, solid.'
Looking after Yourself
Being faced with the unknown can often evoke feelings of dread and fear. It is completely normal to feel this way when you are entering uncharted territory. Whether it is waiting for a diagnosis, undergoing a life-changing surgery, or supporting a loved one through a difficult time, the anxiety can be overwhelming.
During times of anxious waiting, finding healthy distractions can be essential. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and occupy your mind can help alleviate some of the stress. This could involve reading, exercising, engaging in hobbies, or spending time with loved ones. It is important to remember that taking care of your own mental health is just as crucial as supporting your loved one.
Watching a loved one go through a life-changing surgery can be incredibly tough. You may feel helpless and unsure of how to best support them. In such situations, it can be helpful to connect with others who are going through similar challenges. Sharing experiences, concerns, and coping strategies can provide comfort and reassurance. Online support groups like this or local communities or Church groups may offer a space for such discussions.
It is important to recognize that caring for someone who is unwell requires a team effort. Friends and family can play a crucial role in lightening the load. Their support can be invaluable in managing the practical responsibilities of daily life, allowing you to dedicate more time to caring. If you do not have a local support system, reaching out to breast cancer charities or other organizations can provide the support and resources you need.
As a caregiver, it is essential to acknowledge that it is okay to ask for help. Caring for a loved one can be physically and emotionally draining. Seeking assistance whenever necessary is not a sign of weakness but rather a wise choice for both your well-being and the well-being of the person you are caring for.
In addition to seeking help, it is important to prioritize your own well-being. Eating well, staying physically active, and identifying and eliminating unhealthy habits can go a long way in maintaining your physical health. Moreover, taking care of your mental health is vital. Engaging in activities that bring you happiness and peace of mind is just as important as taking care of your loved one.
Remember that there is help available, and you should never hesitate to ask for it. Local and national charities can provide support, resources, and guidance during difficult times. Be proactive in reaching out to them, as they can connect you with the assistance you need.
If you are juggling caregiving responsibilities while working, it is important to inform your employer about your situation. There are sample letters available on the internet that can help you draft a request for accommodations, if necessary. Open communication with your employer can help establish understanding and support.
Lastly, don't hesitate to ask your family and close friends for help when it comes to managing other aspects of your life. They may be able to assist with tasks such as preparing meals, doing online shopping, cleaning, and even taking care of your children. Remember, you don't have to carry the burden alone.
Above all, remember to listen to your loved one and shower them with your love and support. Be there for them unconditionally, offering an empathetic ear and a comforting presence. You are their rock, and your love and care can make a world of difference in their healing journey.
And finally your wife may be devastated by the change that has happened to her body. You need to be really sympathetic to this and don’t say anything stupid.
Recap
• For you there may be 'Dread and fear' of the unknown, thats okay to feel this.
• Anxious waiting can be difficult handle so perhaps find a healthy distraction.
• Watching a loved one go through life changing surgery is tough. Your not alone in this and it sometimes helps to speak with others going through the same problems.
• Remember it takes a team to look after someone who is unwell. Friends and Family rallying together can really help lighten the load. If you don't have any local friends and family, other local breast cancer charities may be a lifeline for you.
• Practical support from others will also help you manage all of the other of life's responsibilities and give you more time to dedicate to caring.
• Recognise being a caregiver is a struggle at times. Its okay to ask for help.
• You need to maintain your own wellbeing so eat well, keep fit and kick some bad habits. And don't forget your own mental health and do things that help maintain a healthy mind.
• There’s a lot of help out there and don’t be afraid to ask for help. I will add a list of local and national charities to the resources page.
• Speak to your employer and let them know your situation, take a look on the internet for a sample letter you can draft encase you need it.
• Ask family and close friends for help to prepare meals, do online shops, clean, and if you have children, do school runs and have sleepovers.
• And remember to listen to her and shower her with your love.
That's all for now and I hope you have found this blog useful, take care, Dan
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